my reason and spirit in following Christ

reason to follow

I was born between Catholic and Protestant on the small island of Pohnpei(Phon: "upon", pei: "stone alter"), Federated States of Micronesia. During my time in Pohnpei, up until leaving for the US around 6-7 years of age, I was baptized into the Catholic faith. I took part in prayers with my grandmother on my mother's side. As did my cousins around my age. When I moved out to the US, I became distant from prayers, and sadly from God. In my ways, heart, and thoughts. However, living in a small town I was still closely surrounded by it outside of my immediate family and people. I am reminded that God is always watching and I can only imagine how many times I broke His heart in the things I had done, felt, and said. Yet He remains, for us. Life was not always the best, but out of respect and honor for those I love, we will leave that out. Let's just say, despair, broken hearts and forgiveness is a big part of our lives. At least in this way it is relatable for everyone in your own story. I grew up thinking I am hated. Happiness was merely an illusion. So contentment is what I learned from my experiences. I sought isolation and I found peace in my lonesome, but I would later learn life would prove my contentment to be a great weakness. I find myself to be timid, yet strong when I need to be. Quiet, yet chaotic in thoughts. I know one thing, I'm grateful of, and that is my perseverance and motivation in my love for art and learning. I truly do yearn for compassion, but at the same time, I grew up with very little compassion around me. So in these my spirit is fighting against what I know is hurtful, yet I have also come to find understanding in the hurt and found the strength to be compassionate towards those who hurt me. Nevertheless, by the grace of God, I have also found love, family, and meaning. 

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During my college years in 2014, I met my wife, who started taking me to church with her. I felt like I was rekindling my relationship with Christ. She took me to my first ever confession at the age of 21. I literally had a list of sins I wrote out on paper to confess. It was very nerve-wrecking as father and I were face to face. I'm sure you can imagine. Honestly it didn't make me feel any better. I didn't connect with the meaning behind confession as it was my first and so I was left feeling even more guilty. A few years pass by, I continued to sin in my thoughts, words, and actions. Not giving a second thought. I was clearly not taking my relationship with Christ seriously even after confessing my sins and being absolved from them, I would repeat the same sins that I confessed. 4 years later, in 2018, my wife and I get married and started our little family. Our first little girl was born on the 3rd of December 2019, as I had said it was going to be. Call it a father's intuition. I take pride in being right about my little girls birthday. Anyways, then came our second little girl on the 27th of August 2021. Throughout this time up to the birth of my second little girl, starting our little family and now with two little girls, going to church, confessions, my relationship with Christ had not changed since 7 years ago when I met my wife. I continued to sin left and right without a thought of Christ. Just empty motions, empty words, no faith.

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On 2022, late August, I received something I did not know what to make of, but through a short time it has changed my attitude towards Christ. The immediate change in my lustful thoughts and sins, somehow, someway, was like a new spirit in my mind pushing away anything that was sexualized and/or pornographic material, and the idea of indulging in them, and I speak the truth here when I say this, was a feeling of disgust of myself. The world wants to normalize these things and they do that through any form of media. Through out 2022, I had gone through some big mental changes for myself, and in my studies on the Word of God, I've came across some amazing personal revelations that ties to my story here below.

 

This is how it happened. I had been struggling with finding work, because of financial situations on my employer's side, and so late July 2022, I started praying more than often. Asking God to help me. However I started feeling this heavy guilt. I felt like a fraud in front of Christ, and there was this feeling of emptiness that came and it was the same feeling as I have had in my past with my parents. We struggled mentally and physically, and each home we lived in became very toxic. We were not good for each other, yet we stayed together through all the dark times, and now when I remember it, I just feel sorry that all the horrible things happened to us. To my parents, I truly wish all the happiness God can give them. During this time, my mentality towards God started shifting as I started to make it a goal to pray more often. Late August came, and I remember telling myself in my head, I need to be better for Christ, pray more, and read the Bible to get to know the Word of God. Which I had never done in my life until 2022. On that same day, a dream came to me. I had never had a dream like this before. It was so vivid as if I was there in person. I remember it as if it was a memory. Call it a coincident, calling, or whatever you want, I found something through this dream, that led me to believe I witnessed an image of the kingdom of God, and in this I had also come to believe Christ was reaching out to me, not only by my remembrance of this dream, but also of what I have learned in the Word of God, that connected me to my dream. In my reasoning, or common sense, I would guess the skeptical or unbeliever would say that it is all in my head. Well here is the funny thing, that is true. It is all in my head, but what I have learned through the teachings of Christ, the story of creation, and the Gospels is this, the spirit is of the mind. So when you say its all in my head, I agree, but what you don't understand, is that there is something great about the conscious state of being. It is of the spirit and that is the likeness in which you were created, Spirit. What I have learned from Christ, is that God is Spirit. Believe me when I say this, the very trust you put into psychological studies and science, is all of the Spirit, God. Yet those who study psychology or science do not understand that God is the source of living conscious knowledge and the knowledge of good and evil is not the source, but that is the knowledge of life and death. 

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"What Do You Seek? John 1:38"

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The dream began with a town. I was in a town that appeared to have roman structures in it. The structures were a plain color of concrete and the streets were wide and made of tiles of concrete traveling all the way to the lower level of the town. As I walked down the street, I start hearing music. Up ahead were people gathered in a circle playing music and singing. It was a festive event full of energy and everyone was singing in joy. I started walking towards them and as I got closer I start noticing that everyone was singing in different languages to the same tune and there was a young male playing a guitar leading them. There was a word, that caught my ears in the song, unfortunately I can't recall what that word was, but I carried this word in my thoughts, as I continued down the street. Not far from the group gathered in a circle singing, there was a structure that had a doorway that led to a hall. I could see light from the other side of the hallway, but couldn't make out what was on the other side, so I started walking towards it and through the hall. 

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When I got closer to the end of the hall, the environment at the other side started to become clear. It was a garden. A beautiful garden enclosing a circular area with a 3 tiered circular fountain in the center. The ground of the circular garden was also tiled concrete and there were concrete curved benches setup around the area up against the garden wall. I noticed there were two women sitting on one of the benches whispering to each other. I approached them and asked them if they wanted to know what the word I've been carrying in my mind was in my native tongue, Pohnpei. They shook their heads no, and smiled. I smiled, but felt somewhat disappointed, and started making my way towards the entrance of the garden. 

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Exiting the hall that led to the garden, I arrive back on the street where the group was singing in different languages to the same tune. So I continued down the street.

 

On my way, I start leaving the upper level of the town to the lower level. The street curved around to the lower level with light posts on both side. On both sides off the street were tall trees. Outside of the town was a forest and between the upper level and lower level of the town were the tall trees. As I arrive on the lower level, I see many people standing on a black marbled floor. This area was the widest of all the paths in the town. The black floor was next to a wide river that connect to open waters. Perhaps the ocean. On the other side of the river, was a mountain. The people stood by the fence near the river. All looking out the same direction waiting in anticipation for what was to come. Emerging from the river was a giant sea creature that jumped above the surface of the waters, taller than the mountain, but still underneath the waters. The creature made a huge splash upon landing making its way out to the open waters and everyone standing on the black floor became drenched from the splash as they marveled over the size of the creature clapping and cheering in awe. 

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As the event passes and the sea beast swims out to the ocean, my attention was caught by a man with curly hair, shades, and a thick beard. The man started speaking to me, but then my attention was drawn away from him to the forest between the upper level and the lower level. I was perplexed by the ground of the forest. The tall trees stood on what seemed to be skin with its cellular patterns. After moment of gazing at the ground, my attention turns back to the man with curly hair as he giggles as if he had said something funny. Then we parted ways and I began to look for a route to continue walking. I found a narrow path from the lower level and started walking it as it led me outside of the town. 

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On the narrow route, I look around and the environment had become barren. A desert under the hot sun. As I make my way down the narrow path, at the end of it, I see a circular structure sitting on an edge of a cliff. It was like an observatory and people were there looking out to the barren land. When I arrived there was a young man and a little boy there. The little boy was playing with what seemed to be a medicine ball. So it must've had some weight, but the boy was throwing it high up to the ceiling. The young man was standing next to the entrance and as I stood by him, he starts telling me about the little boy. The little boy then comes up to me and asks if he could throw the ball on top of my water bottle. So I gave it to him to entertain him. A few times he attempted, then finally the ball landed on the bottle. The cap bursts off and water came splashing out.  So I hurried to grab the bottle. As I dry off the bottle, I say goodbye to the young man and the little boy, making my way out the observatory. However, I quickly realized I wasn't alone, as I was holding a baby, that I had thought was a water bottle. 

 

On my way back to the town, I got on the narrow path I took to the get to the observatory and with me was the child. The land was barren and the sun was scorching hot. So I thought to myself, that I needed to get this child under shade. As I continued walking I see up ahead a bench with a roof over it providing shade. So I hurried there to give the child some shade. However, upon arriving at the bench, the child was with me no more. He didn't die, just disappeared. Then I decided to lay down on the bench and take a rest. It felt as if I had fallen asleep and when I opened my eyes again, I was still at the bench. I picked up my head and looked at my feet and past my feet, still a good distance away, was the town. So I lay my head back down, but then I realized something. I took another look at my feet, and realized there were holes in them. In  shock, I took a closer look. There seemed to be some sort of lens on them. However through this lens I saw through me. So of course upon seeing this, I thought about Jesus Christ. So I took the lens and placed it on my hand. Upon seeing what was through the lens on my hand, my entire vision became black as if I was blinded. The only thing I could see was a 3d modeled head with the eyes missing and the head coming apart. What did I see through the lens on my hand? 

 

When I looked at the lens through my hand, I saw a blurry resemblance of a kingdom as if I was squinting because of it's radiance. Glowing in gold. Sitting on a tall plateau and everything beneath it, was barren. 

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Why did this dream affect my faith? Why did it change me?

 

About a year later, and I still remembered it. It has become a memory that is part of me. A fire ignited in my spirit and I believe it was by the Holy Ghost. What does it mean? The answers are unfolding in front of me, as I learn about Him, reading the Bible. And the correlations, between Christ’s teachings I was not familiar with up until now after my dive into the Word of God, and the details of the dream has been blowing my mind and strengthening my faith. Even though I don’t see Him, my mind is exploding in excitement, and wonder!! But immediately after the dream, It was like my eyes were seeing through a different lens, you could say. My LORD and my savior opened my eyes to my sins. That is not a statement taken seriously in this time and age, but in all seriousness, I say that with the realest sense of change in my mental health. Do I still remember my sins, of course, do I remember the painful past, of course, but I have found a path, and I am coming to understand this path as the narrow path of Christ. I feel like part of me was renewed, but I still fight the desires of sin, and anger is my toughest fight. That is the reality of living in the vanities of short time. I think anger comes from a place of fear for me. It is hostility triggered by fear and that fear is the snakes of my horrible experiences of life. Nevertheless, I have found a new understanding even in the face of my own faults, my understanding in the Word of God, has given my spirit strength and guidance to seek light in the darkness of my mind, speak the truth even if it hurts, and the greatest gift the Word of God has given me is belief that the Spirit is very Real, True, and very much alive. The trains of thoughts that the Word of God encompasses is amazing and I love dwelling in His Spirit and take delight in His Word. 

 

Does this mean I’m going to heaven? Well, wisdom tells me this.

 

The path towards salvation is faith in God, and narrow is the path of faith, but in this path is scorching heat in ridicule and persecution of those who take the narrow path. Where there is ridicule and persecution, there is always going to be temptations and fall in our walk. Take courage and heart, be strong, and carry the cross with Jesus Christ. In Spirit, that is God, and truth, that is the Word, that is the light, that is Jesus Christ!

 

On August 2023, days 7-10, I come across these verses that perfectly described my dream on the same month last year 2022. Reading through the Sermon on the Mount with Jesus Christ in the Gospel of Matthew, I am still being blown away! I promise you, I was not familiar with these verses, or much of the verses from His teachings on the mount before my dream of the narrow path!  

 

“Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are a few who find it.” – Jesus Christ

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Thank you Jesus! Thank you Spirit! Thank you GOD!

 

Matthew 7:13-14

 

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"Come and you will see." John 1:39

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